Ahhh Therapy…. what a weird place. And therapists, what weird people. I never feel like I can get my footing when i’m in there. Right now, I just got back from a normal session with Alex, with a swerve at the end that totally threw me.
Just like for everyone else, Alex’s absence during the holidays prompted us to spend a lot of November and December talking about attachments and examining our own relationship. This sort of “therapeutic relationship” stuff is hard for me, and her going away is hard for me (thanks abandonment issues), and basically I just hated therapy for the last two months. We would reach a stalling in our work before the break, I would struggle while we were gone, and then I would come back totally disconnected and mistrusting of Alex again, and we would spend a week or two doing repairs. After doing this twice for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I was ready to get back to our normal, uninterrupted rhythm . And so- to get through it I have been trying to keep my sights set on January. Remind myself that the future where Alex is there 3 times a week, 4 times a month, was not so far away.
And finally, without as much damage as I thought there would be, January came, and I took a breath out. Alex and I started to go back to normal this week, focusing our work on non us related issues. But after a really good session today she just casually mentioned at the very end of our session, that she was going away again!! She’s taking a week off to do training stuff in one week.
In my head, when she told me that, all of these annoying thoughts came back
“why didn’t she give me more warning! Doesn’t she know how hard it is for me to deal with this?”, “One week isn’t that long, it’s pathetic to feel anything at all about something so stupid.” , “She doesn’t really care about you, and you shouldn’t expect her to.”
Ugh…. These thoughts and more. And I find them all so stupid!
I know her going away isn’t personal, but it’s so hard for me to trust people when I feel like they don’t consider me or aren’t consistently there for me. And on top of that I feel so embarrassed about ever feeling hurt about her leaving. I feel aggravated because I thought this was all over, and I really hate bringing this stuff up, but I know she will be able to tell i’m upset. I just feel like we justtttt did this twice.
I said that I wished she would stop going away so much, and she replied playfully about how her schedule is never the same for more than two weeks. That made me feel like this wouldn’t be getting steadier soon.
After I left therapy, on the walk home I felt strange and upset. I wondered how many times we would have to rehash this before things changed, and it stopped being so uncomfortable. I’m not sure that will ever happen.
In the end I guess there’s nothing I can do other than get through the break without dying, bring it up to clear the air (even if it wont change anything), and (possibly?) start looking for a T who is a bit less active -_-