**TW for mentions of SA and other non specific trauma
This question has been on my mind lately. Does Alex see me differently now? I feel like I can sense a difference in our meetings somehow, but am I just imagining it?
Sometimes my SA history makes me feel so dirty, and so different than other people. But sometimes other people also legitimately treat me differently, and like less when I tell them. So I never know what is real or where the judgment is coming from. Me or them?
I actually told Alex about SA stuff extremely early on in our relationship. It had taken me a whole year to tell my last therapist, and shortly after I stopped seeing her (to say it didn’t go well would be an understatement). But I had opened that box right before leaving, and I found myself holding a lot of trauma all alone. So, when I found Alex the trauma was eating me alive and I didn’t even know what to do, so I told her just to make our work even a little relevant to what I needed.
She reacted really well, and actually shed a few tears when I told her, which no one had done before. It felt really good to tell her, and our work was way better after that.
So there was this closeness and trust for a few weeks after I told her. But then this weird feeling started to develop? And it’s so subtle and vague I feel like I must be imagining it. I started to feel like she was being hyper vigilant about her boundaries (Like in an interfering way), even though we had never had issues with that before. This totally plays into my past weird brain stuff- so I cannot for the life of me tell if it is real- but I feel like she was pushing me away before I crossed a boundary. Like she was anticipating it?
This would happen randomly. Like one time I brought up something in an email she had sent me to tell her it had upset me. I was trying to tell her that something she had said, and her super fast reply was that she couldn’t start emailing me more because it wasn’t a sustainable form of therapy or good for us. Like a literal speech on email boundaries. When I had been seeing her for 4 months 3x a week, and we had exchanged like 3 emails (short ones too?). And that wasn’t even relevant to what I wanted to bring up. I just responded that I didn’t want to email more, just talk about what she had said.
It just seemed so weird to me?
Then one night we were talking about sleeping with older people/past stuff, and she asked me how it felt to talk about it with her. I was so relieved when she asked this because I thought it was finally my chance to clear things up between us, and let her know I wasn’t struggling with some huge attachment to her. So I said that it was okay to talk about it with her because I knew she was different than the other people in my past, and I knew nothing would happen, and that I was safe. She agreed with me, and I thought it was a good moment for us.
I thought that would have solved it all, and for a while it did? It was normal anyway. One day I said I felt a little disconnected from her, and kind of weird. In my brain this was not about SA at all, which we hadn’t been talking about for a while. But she responded with a “I wont hurt you, nothing will happen, this doesn’t have to be weird” thing again. And once was enough. Really- I was starting to feel stereotyped. Like SA patients get this weird rep, and I felt like Alex was assuming my issues instead of actually listening to me. After that session I actually stormed out. I could not figure out why that had made me so upset.
At our next session we talked about my exit, and I got so upset again I ended up telling her I thought the interpretations she was making were obvious and insulting (I cant believe I said that).
I think she got it. I’m still so confused though. Update later.